its time again

there's a certain fact in life that we likes to keep our fears and worries inside, i'm made like that and it makes me sometime hiding from others, well i always liked to add a small fraction of ambiguity to the image i projected out about myself, most of them considered as i was hiding my true feelings inside because it could hurt them but in fact i was not sure what to express and not

so the real question begins from a small but unique thought about your whole life. is it just going as the way you planned? or it just goes somewhere and you just move along?, in either case life moves on and you reach a point where you don't consider whats happening in your life. i had reached there a long time before and it was good in a very dramatic way i would put but the same time it was hard to keep up and yet i came back to the greener side and i again started expecting or started making plans about life and like every plan, the fundamental problem with any plan is the plan itself is based on a complex array of thoughts which begins rationally or from a complete absurdity and this makes the plan vulnerable to failures than expected

are we suppose to expect failure? i asked this question to myself and it seems pretty difficult to answer at the moment because one has to think deeply before finding a conclusion. a person might feel that he/she's in complete control in his/her life but is it???. you have to ask that question and most probable answer would be a solid no.

a person can choose to be alone or be in a flock, its a matter of personal choice but i believe circumstances plays a lot in it, many people gets trapped in loneliness, for they didn't fit the taste of the majority or they just seemed too weird for the others and yet there's the other group the people who enjoys a large number of friends and i believe they also leads a lonely life inside and the difference between them and the lonely people is that they could really balance with a demanding world for equal sides.

this brings us the implications of both choices, if we choose to be popular its good, you'll be happy and friends will be there to back you up but what happens to the other group, they're in a constant search for an exit and some are lucky enough to actually find one while others end up searching. the scenario could be worse if someone is trapped in between these two conditions, one is very popular with a lot of friends and leading a lonely life inside, i had mentioned this previously but its the intensity of it which counts, if you're not left alone for you to feel bad with your friends, there won't be much of a stress but if you're then you may find its rather difficult to cope with and this could really lead to the hiding of one's self.

the realization of one's self begins from what all the values we attribute to the subjects in life and we use to search for people who goes aligned with your mental strategies but individual differences comes into play and for some it makes a prominent change while others try to change the ones around them

what are the points of alignment we seek in our friends??? it could be wealth, style, thoughts, background, mental ability, and more but what makes us wanted for them???. the story of wanting for togetherness runs both ways, we would like to be wanted as the same as we want them, and if we're to find over a 60% of same taste in our friends, we take them for granted and this may lead to complications in the future as one cannot expect to behave just the way the other wanted him/her to. so expectations may fail and this may also lead to a false feeling that you made a mistake and it further complicates the problem with the wanting to hide one's true feelings which i believe is a rescue mechanism or prevention for people to escape from emotional wear and tear

once this occurs the person feels to shrink to the very core of his nature and make an inaccurate reading of the outer world, most of the people get rid of this negative impression provided given time to recuperate but there's a small number of people who takes this pretty seriously and they find its rather irrelevant to show what you really feel and they stop relating informations to anyone, most of them feel reluctant to talk just the way i am experiencing it now.

in a certain point of life i understood if you wants to be remembered you've to ring the bells periodically and it happens to everyone, some enjoys it while some don't, what i felt was somewhat of the latter kind, i stopped talking to most of my friends, something hinders it, i find a simple question in mind "what's there so special to talk?" this happens because i don't have anything to tell them, a conversation is supposed to be happening on both sides of individuals and i just hate the fact that my life has stalled for a long time now, and such a mind loses its originality and credibility not to mention the creativity which is way long gone, so i just keep my side silent and dark and i avoid any chance of lighting it up hence it reveals the hidden corners

many of them would be thinking what has happened to me, its plain and simple

"its just you know what you're not supposed to be but manages to end up the same"

Tom Robins V.S

11/10/2009 1.58 am